Today, I Am a Changed Woman

Monday, May 23, 2016

celine reyes blogger

Lately, I've been contemplating returning to the corporate world. A curious thing – baffling, even – as being confined to an office and doing basically the same things every day had once rendered me so miserable to the point that it'd dragged me to a pit of depression so dark I'd thought I would never get out. Yet this thought had slowly morphed into something with enough strength that I'd felt compelled to act on it. So today, I went to an interview for a full-time office job. I was thrilled, frankly. Ecstatic at the prospect of being able to go out of the house five days a week, dressing up and having a routine – well, at least I was at first. You know that phrase "every molecule in one's body"? Well, I now understand what that meant and how that felt, for the moment I stepped inside the interview venue, every molecule in my body wanted out of there. A primal force inside me was reacting. It felt like my system knew I was acting out of character, that I was about to undo everything I'd worked so hard to build. In fact, the instinct was so strong, my stomach acted up and I almost threw up. What was I thinking? Despite all that, however, I managed to maintain a shaky facade of enthusiasm and was able to carry the interview-slash-exam to the end.

Now, you ask: what the heck is wrong with you, Celine?

Ah, well. I think I may have the answer.

See, for the last five months, I've been a full-time freelance writer/blogger. I'm now raking in enough cash to fund my adventures and my day-to-day life all at the comfort of my own home. Most days, it is an awesome arrangement: no traffic, no annoying boss/co-worker, no complex social maze to navigate, no need to take a bath and dress up, and no apparent bureaucracy. There are some days, though, when it seems that what I'm doing is not a legitimate livelihood. I know that's unfair not only to me but to fellow freelancers, but I hope you'd indulge me because I need to make a personal point which is the following:

I'd arrived at a crucial juncture last Saturday, during which I'd been able to finally voice out my confusion and frustration to one of my bestfriends. It was today that I affirmed what it was that I'd realized over the weekend. 

I am fortunate – privileged, some would say – to be able to afford quitting my job, and devoting my days to telling stories and meaningful adventures, to something I've been passionate about since I was four. I understand plenty of people would gladly trade places with me in a heartbeat. I may not have a car of my own, a bulging bank account, or fancy clothes and my own place, but my sense of self that gets firmer and more steadfast every day – no money or thing can ever amount to its worth. When I look back, I see that the person I am now more closely resembles the person I've always envisioned me to be. I am halfway through becoming the best version of myself – a significant progress, considering. Having said that, I do not miss the corporate world; I miss having a routine. I've found that, no matter the circumstance, the lack of it dulls you and gradually robs you of discipline and enthusiasm. So in an effort to proceed, I shall take back what I'd lost in the past months. Brace yourself, for, today, change is here

The first thing I'd wanted to do to establish a purposeful day-to-day life is to write it all down. Commit to it. The same bestfriend had told me that I should have "deadlines" and someone to impose it. And I want it to be you, my fellow adventurers. I'm writing every improvement both for the self and for Celineism (they are inextricable) here, because I hope that you would hold me accountable. Because of this, this post, I now have a sense of responsibility – a sweet one, not at all burdensome; very much like friendship. 

Next, I'm waking up before sunrise, because despite the romanticism of the Night, being a morning person is beautiful in whatever aspect you can imagine. This should eliminate my crippling and well-founded fear of missing out. How can you miss out when you're wide awake as soon as the day begins? Consequently, I'm turning in not later than 12AM. I'd say 9PM but that would just be wishful thinking – let's be realistic. 

Third, I'm organizing my week. Set a schedule. Expect new content here on the blog every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. There will be two to three updates on Celineism's Facebook page, and Instagram every day. Tuesdays will be dedicated to washing clothes, cleaning my room, keeping with writing deadlines, and other chores. Since another advice, this time from Marky of Nomadic Experiences, is to spread one's passion, I am devoting Thursdays to music, leisure writing, books, arts, movies, and other pursuits – I believe it is apt to call this day "Celine Day". And speaking of spreading my passion, I will also be holding a weekly Facebook Live every Wednesday at 8PM on Celineism's page. Its format is yet to be defined but I'm thinking fellow adventurers can suggest discussion topics. I'll be making music there too – music is another great love of mine and I hope you're excited for this because I am thrilled. Well, a bit shy, but generally thrilled. Saturdays, meanwhile, will be mainly for hanging out with loved-ones and friends, catching up and having sensible and thought-provoking face-to-face conversations. Sundays, as they always have, will be Dennis Day. In addition, there will be staple components for each day e.g. going to market to buy fresh produce, cooking food, and exercising and going outside. I want to be healthy. I want the wholeness I feel inside to show in my physical appearance. Hence, all these. 

Furthermore, I want to never be labeled as mad for doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. This is going to be difficult but nothing that's worth it is easy. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, I say it takes one brief moment of clarity to begin a path

I will be better and I will make my mama proud. 

Cheers to becoming the best versions of ourselves! 

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