To Mama

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Dear Mama,

I'd give everything up just to hug you  again, just to hear your laughter. I miss you so much.

There are moments when your memory demands my full attention, and it is in those moments that my heart is most aware of its missing piece - like phantom pains from a missing limb. There is still pain. In good days, it is faint and distant. Barely there. In bad days, I cry a storm and hope with all that I am that I will see you in the morning. I'm still in pain, mama. I know it's been exactly a year now but I'm afraid the pain will never go away.  I miss you so much.

I still see you in everything. Out of nowhere, most of the times. And that is when it is most painful. Your voice still rings inside my head. And I can still clearly picture both your smile and your disapproving look. I imagine myself lying next to you in your bed, putting my arms around you and squeezing you in my embrace while we talk about what to have for dinner and what's on the news. I miss you so much.

Mama, my greatest regret will always be that time, shortly before you went away, when I thought of talking to you and telling you how sorry I am for not living up to your expectations, for not being the "lucky charm" you have always claimed me to be. I wanted to tell you that I was a mess and that I didn't know what to do with my life. I wanted to say that my wits that you've always bragged about were at a loss. I wanted to apologize for all the bad things I've ever done or said to you, for all the hurt I've ever caused you. I did think of saying all these to you, mama. But I never did. And this is a sorrow even greater than you being gone. It hurts even more because I know, inspite of all my shortcomings and failures, you would have told me that you're proud of me and that you would always be on my side. I know you would lovingly embrace me and stroke my hair and tell me everything will be alright. Mama, I'm so sorry I never had the courage to talk to you. I miss you so much.

Ma, the truth is I want you to see me now and say "I told you so." You were right, as you've always been, that things will get better. I'm better now. And I will do what I can in my lifetime to be the best so that I can make you truly proud. I miss you so much. So so much. Incredibly so. Painfully so.

I love when the sky is blue, mama, because it reminds me that good days will come. And maybe, just maybe, one of those days will be a day when I get to see you again. I want to see you again, ma. I miss you so much.

Ma, forgive me if I can't let go yet. Forgive me if I cling to you still. Fiercely and secretly. I can't let you go. I don't want to, for perhaps this weakness gives me strength. Perhaps this incompleteness makes me whole. Perhaps this sorrow is what makes me capable of being happy. And I still miss you so much. Everyday.

I still can't believe that you're gone. But thank you for leaving the way you did. I don't think I'd be able to take it if I had seen you suffer. You were a Mother until the very end. And I love you even more for that.

You are the best, mama. Always have been. Always will be.

I love you.

Your Lucky Charm,
Celine

A Letter to a Mother

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